Monday, October 25, 2010

Mutant plot bunny and what became of it

There is nothing that could excuse the - ahem - story that is coming up, except lack of sleep and over-indulgence of caffeine. I can only say this, if you are a Twilight fan and happened to stumble on this, I hope you won't be too offended because none was meant. If you have no concept of Twilight references, well, what rock have you been hiding under? :P Anyway, if you really don't get Twilight references, this won't make a whole lot of sense.

Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended. I'm not making money off this. Xiao Yan Zi and Er Kang belongs to Qiong Yao, Twilight references belong to Stephenie Meyer and the utter pointlessness of this piece belongs to me.

~*~

Everything around her smelled like freesia. Or maybe it was lavender. It made her mouth water.

About three things Xiao Yan Zi was absolutely positive.

First, there was no way flowery smells could make one's mouth water. Flowers were not food, no matter how it sounded like flour. Even then, flour on its own wasn't particularly appetising either.

Second, no one could confuse the smell of lavender with freesia. They were two completely different scents.

And third, she wasn't unconditionally and irrevocably in love with a vampire.

But as it was, this wasn't reality, therefore, the world smelled like lavender. Or freesia. And it made her mouth water. As for the vampire? Well, she was pretty sure they didn't exist, even in a world where freesia and lavender smelled the same.

She was seated the front seat of a shiny silver Volvo, though she was not sure how she knew that, considering she was inside the car and normally wouldn't be able to tell the make of one car from another to save her life. She was not sure who was driving, but the car was moving ridiculously fast, going over hundreds of miles an hour. Logic would dictate that it was impossible for a car to move that fast on a Beijing road, but apparently, the driver (whoever they were) were just that good of a driver and had awesome reflexes. Of course, logic would also dictate that it didn't matter how awesome a driver was and how fast his reflexes were, no car could possibly move faster than the car in front of them on a straight road without eventually causing an accident. Still, the car and its driver defied logic.

Xiao Yan Zi looked over just to see who the driver was, and for a moment, all she could do was blink. It was not the sunlight shining through the window that was stopping her from seeing. She was temporarily blinded by the way the driver's skin sparkled, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface.

As her eyes adjusted to the impossible refractions of light from smooth skin, she recognised who was sitting beside her in the car. It was Er Kang. She supposed in that halo-like glow of sun and sparkles around him, she should think he was some kind of god, an angel, too glorious to be beside her. But the only thing she could think of doing was laugh hysterically at the idea of Er Kang sparkling in the sunlight like he just poured a bucket of body glitter over his head. She bit her bottom lip to stop herself from laughing, hoping his hearing was not too acute to detect the laugh still bubbling up from her lungs, and that he could not read her mind.

He drove silently, not looking at her. She, on the other hand, could not seem to keep her eyes off him. Perhaps it was because he sat so perfectly still, like a sculpted statue, despite the fact that he was driving at break-neck speed. Or maybe it was because his scintillating arms were totally bare, glinting in the sunlight, as they stretched to grip the steering wheel. Still, they didn't speak to each other. She supposed usually neither of them were particularly verbose. Was that the right word, verbose? Didn't that mean that a person had the tendency to use unnecessary long, complicated words? She wished she had a dictionary to check, because if that was what verbose meant, it wasn't the word she was looking for. She actually was looking for a word that meant talkative. Well, why couldn't she use talkative then? Yes. Neither of them were talkative to each other, normally.

Xiao Yan Zi didn't know how long they drove with that impossible speed, but the next thing she knew, they stopped at the edge of a forest.

Wait. Forest? In Beijing? Huh?

Had they gone out of Beijing, already? Even then, this didn't look like anything anywhere near Beijing. She was chagrined. But could she deny the unfamiliar forest that was sprawling in front of her eyes? No, it looked too green to someone so used to the bustling city. An alien sight, impossible to ignore.

Despite the fact that she was now out of the car, the world still smelled of lavender. Or freesia. She still couldn't decide. And did she eat anything that morning? Because for some reason, the scent of flowers still made her mouth water!

Er Kang was out of the car too, sparkling more gloriously than ever now, so that Xiao Yan Zi had to squint to look at him. A normal Xiao Yan Zi would wonder why she was standing in the middle of nowhere alone, beside a car she didn't recognise, with Er Kang. Not that there was anything wrong or untrustworthy about him, really. No, on contrary, she knew she could trust Er Kang to keep her safe anywhere, but to actually be out alone with him was just...bizarre.

He grabbed her hand and pulled, nearly dragged, her with him into the forest.

Think: Fu Er Kang was dragging her into a deserted forest that she didn't even realise existed.

With chagrin, she wondered to herself why she didn't feel any panic. He was moving way too fast, and she could not keep up, but it didn't matter, because a moment later, Xiao Yan Zi realised that he was actually carrying her on his back, while running at break-neck speed. She felt like a monkey on his back, gripping his shoulders with all ther fingers spread out like spider legs. But that was the only way she could ever keep up with his awesome, unbelievable and godlike speed and strength. She wondered how it was possible that she was moving at the speed of a charging bullet and somehow didn't hit her face on anything in the dense forest, or even more likely, go deaf from the pressure pushing in and the wind whislting in her ears.

Finally, they reached the top of the mountain (what mountain?) so that now the sun was shining fully on them, and Er Kang's face glittered even more blindingly than ever. He turned to her, with an expression that she thought was meant to be menacing and fierce and brooding like that of a Byronic hero. But because this was a face that was glittering like diamonds in the sunlight, Er Kang's expression only made Xiao Yan Zi wonder whether he was just depressed. Then again, if he was, she could hardly blame him, a man as he was, sparkling as he was. 

Then he said to her, in a voice that was meant to be self-loathing, but just sounded bored and depressed, "You should stay away from me."

Xiao Yan Zi thought this was an odd thing to say, considering he had dragged her here, and told him so. He, however, ignored her and continued as if she had not spoken. "You are my life now. But you should stay away from me. Do you see this? THIS IS THE SKIN OF A KILLER!"

For a moment, Xiao Yan Zi could only stare at him. Yeah, sure, so he was working in law enforcement, but as far as she knew, Er Kang had never actually killed anyone. So what was he on about? And since when was she his life?

"What are you talking about?" she asked.

Before the last words had quite made it out of her mouth, Er Kang had grabbed her by the shoulders and pulled her closer to him. His grip was like steel, so it was a wonder that every bone in her arms wasn't crushed, and he held her so that their faces were almost touching.

"I love you," Er Kang finally murmured.

Xiao Yan Zi gasped and struggled out of his grip, and shouted, "Are you on drug?"

"No, I've imprinted on you, and the impriting magic in me tells me to choose the best partner to carry on my genes and that's you, so now I'm in love with you. It doesn't matter that I've been in a relationship with your best friend and sworn sister for the last two years and I was going to marry her! I love you now. Because it's magic! Why are you not saying you love me back? Why are you not submitting to me?"

The last bit came out like a wolfish howl.

Xiao Yan Zi was terrified now, because Er Kang looked livid. He claimed to love her and yet at her rejection, he looked livid, demanding that she submit to him. That was enough reason for her to want to avoid him like a vampire now, since no decent guy would be angry at a rejection. Disappointed, sad, yes. Angry, not. But it didn't matter, because for Xiao Yan Zi there could only be one answer. If Er Kang said it was magic, then he was the one under a spell, not her.

"I will never love you," she shouted.

Er Kang howled even louder, and sudddenly, there was an explosion of fur. The next thing Xiao Yan Zi knew, sharp claws flew at her; she tasted blood, and then everything faded to black.

~*~

Let's face it, it's a Twilight reference galore so if you haven't read the Twilight series, most of this will just sound like a really badly written short story. I just want to explain use of characters in this "crossover fanfiction".

Xiao Yan Zi and Er Kang are characters from a Chinese TV show called Huan Zhu Ge Ge, which was very popular in Asia about ten years ago. It created a mania all over Asia, not unlike the phenonmenon that are the Harry Potter and Twilight series today. And now, ten years after I first watched the series on Vietnamese television, I am still writing fanfiction for HZGG (and apparently, people are still reading them).

So what does all this have anything to do with Twilight, you ask.

Well, nothing.

HZGG is set in China during the Qing dynasty, in the 1700s. So in terms of timeline, it has no relation to Bella, Edward, Emily, Sam and Leah. However, as I write fanfic, at times I find myself bored and/or stuck with the period setting, so I started writing a modern day version of HZGG, where instead of shooting her with an arrow, Yong Qi nearly runs Xiao Yan Zi over with his car. And because Xiao Yan Zi now lives in the 21st century, she naturally reads Twilight after being persuaded by Yong Qi's little sister. Being a history major, she is appalled at the historical inaccuracies in the Twilight series (rich banker in America in the 1930s, anyone?) and promptly goes into a rant. I started writing a chapter where Xiao Yan complains to Yong Qi about Twilight, but it soon became like an anti-Twilight rant disguised as HZGG fanfiction, so I scraped that chapter. But then this mutant plot bunny came into my head instead, begging me to write it and here it is. It is a collection of some of the things that made me laugh in Twilight, for all the wrong reasons, and the end is what I think Emily should have done, but probably what would happen to her if she continued to refuse Sam. 

And I'm sorry, Er Kang, you're not my favourite character in the world, but you don't deserve this. Please don't hold me responsible for this.  The mutant bunny made me do it.